the overwhelming wave

I don’t easily admit my weaknesses. Right now, I just need an outlet. I need this blog for me. I didn’t even know it was possible to cry for three hours straight. I didn’t even know it was possible to cry in your sleep.

I haven’t been okay. My mom and brother left to go back to the Netherlands after a three week visit late last night. My boyfriend spent the night with me last night and him going home is always hard… but this time it hurt so bad.

Goodbyes are never easy. My mom always says that it’s not goodbye; that we’ll see each other again. And I know that. These goodbyes though- they felt like goodbyes. It’s all too weird.

I am excited for my NASA internship. I really am. I’m just so incredibly overwhelmed. All these doubts and thoughts running through my mind of “what if I’m not smart enough?” or “what if I don’t get along with the people?”.

There’s so much still to do. So much to pack. To clean. To read.

It doesn’t help that I got a cold on Sunday.

My stress level is through the roof and I’m not quite sure why I can’t pull myself together. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my friends.

I’ve completely lost my appetite. This cold thing has made me feel weak. Listening to music even has no appeal right now.

This post really has no good content. I just needed to type. I needed my outlet.

I know everything will be okay. I do. I just needed to take a breath and type this.

I’ll be okay… just maybe not today.

~E.

You Get There By Realizing You Are Already There

Where am I getting, now? What’s with the weird inspirational quote for a title? All I’m really here for is to read your goals, weird blogging lady.

2017. MMXVII. Twothousandseventeen. 2k17. There were indeed plenty of ways to refer to the year of the rooster. It’s been a long 365 days, and it’s been a long year of goals. The year honestly seemed to fly by. Moving back to America, visiting the Netherlands twice, finishing my first semester of college, advancing my CAP career, developing my hobby of photography, living on my own, and figuring out who I am are all things of 2017 that made this year unique.

In January, I set ten goals for myself to accomplish in the 365 days of 2017. I suppose it’s time to reflect and elaborate on 2017.

My Goals for 2017 Were…

  1. Love myself and be happy. Do things because they’ll make me happy. I think I came a long way on this goal. I’m still not the most in shape, or the skinniest girl, or whatnot. But you know what? I don’t really care. I’m going to work harder in order to do things for myself, to prepare for encampment and possibly even my Spaatz exam one day. But as a whole, I don’t feel guilty for eating anymore. I don’t feel like I have to exercise until I’m dead or else I’m a terrible person. I bought clothes that make me feel pretty and are comfortable. I accepted clothes that didn’t fit anymore. I’m doing good. I’m happy.
  2. Go to college and study where and what I want. Kent State University has been an amazing fit for me so far. The Digital Sciences major is fantastic, allowing me to study towards a Bachelor of Science and do what I love. I’ve learned so much and met some really cool people. 
  3. Achieve at least C/Lt Col in the Civil Air Patrol. Well, this one is impossible this year. I did not have time or money to attend Cadet Officer School or a Region Cadet Leadership School. However, I am not in the least discouraged. I may not be on a “perfect” promotion schedule anymore, but I’m exactly where I need to be. Having been the Cadet Commander of the Maryland Cyber Defense Training Academy in its inaugural year, being a crucial part of planning the Great Lakes Region Conference, overcoming difficulties at the squadron level, and now accepting the position of Deputy Commander for Operations at the 2018 Ohio Wing Encampment have given me the experience, training, and valuable lessons that I am so incredibly grateful for. I will be a Cadet Major until I attend an RCLS, which I will likely be doing in July. Spaatz is attainable in 2018. Spaatz will happen in 2018.
  4. Learn to stay calm and manage emotions, as well as being able to express these to others. (This one may not make sense to you as the reader, but it does to me. I’ve already started working on it!) I still lose my cool sometimes. I still argue unnecessarily sometimes. But, I’m doing okay. I’m doing well, actually. I greatly underestimated how much stress college would put on me, however, I kicked ass. I got through it. I did it.
  5. Learn something new. Whether this is learning a new language, something about computers, anything. I learned a lot this year. I learned about myself, mostly. However, I also learned how to become comfortable with JavaScript. I learned how to use various Adobe softwares. In May, I learned a bit of Russian and a significant amount about cryptography. I learned more about my leadership style. I learned how to read regulations, and I learned to be able to use them efficiently. I became comfortable writing memorandums and official correspondence. I learned some job-specific things, such as using Team Dynamix. I’ve learned a lot and it’s been a great year.
  6. Make money. Save money. (Already working on the saving money! #AdventureFund) I got a job, so there’s that. I love my job, and I love making my own money. I transfer $20 a month to my savings account, and it’s a smart thing to do, I think. So while it is not a whole lot, it’s my money and it feels great. I took some money out of the Adventure Fund to pay for some miscellaneous small stuff, but that’s okay.
  7. Stay hydrated. All year. I think there’s a water bottle around here somewhere… But really. I’ve done terrible and great with this one- depending on the month. 
  8. Read my whole James Patterson series. I got stuck halfway through book 13 in August, and I never picked them back up. I brought book 13 with me to the Netherlands… maybe I can make some more progress before the new year. It won’t be the whole series, but it’ll be okay. I read more than usual. During the last two months of school I also really got into Ernest Hemingway, voluntarily reading “Farewell to Arms” and “Hemingway on War”. For class I read “The Sun Also Rises”, and reread “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It was a decent reading year. 
  9. Travel. Throughout the year, I went to the Netherlands twice. I went to Germany. I went to CDTA in Maryland, and visited Dayton a significant amount of times. I went to Erie, PA twice to visit the Lake Shore Railway Museum. I flew through Reykjavik, Iceland flying to the Netherlands (even though we spent all of 15 minutes in the airport because the flight was boarding as we landed). Traveling has been fantastic, and I can’t wait to plan something big next year… I still can’t wait to go see New York City again. 
  10. Write more. (Whether this is blogging, letters, cards, journaling, it’s going to happen!) I mean. Sure. I did blog more; I blogged at least twice every month. I wrote more physically, and I took a lot of notes in my classes. I need to write a few postcards still, but I’ll get caught up soon. 

It’s been such a great year. Family and friends were a big part of it – as was college. Joining Kent’s Chi Alpha (the Campus Ministry/Christian Fellowship), breaking out of my shell and hanging out with people (I went to a party too??), making new friends, attending a Green Day concert, volunteering with FIRST robotics, progressing as a photographer, and Civil Air Patrol activities have been huge highlights.

IMG_0137Getting to drive my car again when I came back to the USA, getting to take trips to Conneaut to see the beach and enjoy the water, watching the United States Air Force Thunderbirds fly, meeting the crew and pilots of the Thunderbirds, planning a conference for over five months (and learning some interesting leadership lessons along the way), organizing Great Lakes Region’s first ever Region Color Guard at the Region Conference, and serving as Cadet Commander at the first ever Maryland Campus of the Cyber Defense Training Academy.

Being voted as Chairman of the Ohio Wing Cadet Advisory Council, taking part in the Wing Commander’s promotion and Change of Command ceremonies, becoming my squadron’s first ever cadet rated to be a Mission Scanner and aircrew member, wearing a skirt, running a 5k, painting a rock, going black Friday shopping for the first time, getting the cutest little bunny rabbit, and even getting groceries on my own.

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2017 has been a year of surprises, of love, and of losses. A lot was accomplished. I made a bunch of friends. People passed away too soon. Megan Grimsic, you were one of the funniest people I knew. You were so absolutely talented, and one of the smartest people around. I met you at TCTC – we had Chemistry together. That class quickly became my favorite that year. I know we may not have been very close after you graduated, but thank you. Thank you for always making me smile and always being there for me, and everyone, no matter what. You were one of the coolest lab partners, ever. We’d try to match our lab goggles, and make jokes about the pennies we’d “boil”. You always pushed me to follow my dreams, and your photography always inspired me. I can’t believe you left the world this soon, you are loved by so many. Your funeral was beautiful, and I’m so glad I attended. Finally meeting your father was wonderful – you were right. He is pretty cool. I met your boyfriend, too. When I told him about you, he hugged me and quietly cried. You’ll always be loved by everyone, I promise you. We won’t forget you.

Sixty-seven blog posts to date, a custom domain name, and eleven categories –  this blog has come a long way since April 2016. I’ve done a countdown to my birthday, I’ve done these goals, and so often I will blog about random things. So what will my theme for 2018 be? After much consideration and debating, I have decided I will do a writing prompt every month.

The Writing Prompts will be as follows:

  • January: Think back to a moment where you’ve come to the end of the road with something important in your life—a relationship with a lover; moving out of your childhood home; graduation from school; etc. Write a scene wrapped around that moment, describing how you felt (good and bad) and how you closed the door on that chapter in your life.
  • February: You’ve been going to the same bar every night for the past five years. In fact, you’re such a regular that when you enter the, the other patrons yell your name and the bartender already has your drink waiting for you. But then one Friday you arrive and no one seems to recognize you, not even the bartender. What’s going on?
  • March: Envision a dragon. Do you battle him? Or is the dragon friendly?
  • April: Write a short story that takes place in a world where there are no insects left. Aside from no longer needing to clean bugs off of car windshields, what are the repercussions given the integral role that insects play in the ecosystem? Does your story include a movement to bring insects back?
  • May: Write about not being able to see ahead of you.
  • June: If you had to escort a visitor from outer space for a 30-minute tour of your community, where would you begin and end?
  • July: What makes you proud to be an American?
  • August: Imagine yourself as a teacher.  What type of student would you like to teach and why?
  • September: Imagine that you are an animal in the zoo.  What type of animal are you?  How do you feel about being caged?  How do you feel about people that visit and watch you?
  • October: You find a genie that gives you infinite wishes with only one catch: before it grant any wish, firstly you’ll need to fulfill one of its wishes.
  • November: You lost the ability to hear at a young age. One day, you’re with your friend and you suddenly hear a noise.
  • December: Write a short story inspired by one of your favorite sentences from the year, perhaps read or heard in an essay, speech, social media post, poem, song, or work of fiction. You might decide to use it as the first or last line of the story, or allow your plotline or characterization to be more conceptually informed by your inferences of the sentence’s implications or mood.

I’m super excited about these writing prompts, and what they’ll add to my blog. I can’t wait to work on my fictional writing again, and I know they’ll help me be more creative. I have created a category called “Writing Prompts, 2018” for all these prompts, and in case anyone wants one place to view all of them. I have also created a category for my 2017 Goals, called “The Year of the Goals”.

I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of 2017 and a great start to 2018!!! I can’t wait to blog again for all of my readers super soon.

Thanks for a fantastic year of She Became a Lion!

Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.

~E. ♥

An Open Letter to the Hurting

Hello friend,

I know right now, nothing seems to be going right in your life at all. I know right now, you’re holding back tears and trying to smile your way through the day. I know you’re trying to take it a day at a time, trying to work with what you have. I know right now, it may feel like you don’t have anything. But that’s why I’m here.

I know I can’t snap my fingers and fix everything for you. I’d love that, yes. I’d do that in a heartbeat. And although I can’t do that, I can use the most powerful tool I have to help you. That is, my voice. So, here goes something that I want not only you to read, but everyone.

Dearest friend, you may feel like you don’t have anyone. You may feel like you’re alone in this. I promise you, you’re never alone. I will always listen to you no matter what you have to say. I will always be here for you no matter what. I won’t ever judge you. I will help you in any way you need- all you have to do is ask. And don’t worry- you’ll never be an inconvenience. Time doesn’t matter. Topic doesn’t matter. I’m always here. Someone is always here for you.

Things like “but this isn’t so bad, so many people have it much worse” may cross your mind. And you know, it may be true that people have had ‘worse’ experiences, but that doesn’t define how you have to react. Your emotions are and always will be valid. You are human, and you are allowed to feel. Cry. Scream. Write. Blog. Post angry tweets. Run. Play video games. Talk to me, or someone else. Please, do what you need to feel. But, please be careful. Don’t hurt yourself or someone else when you do what you need to. I care about you, and I never want to see you hurt.

I promise that you are worth it. I promise that you are good enough. If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it. You’re beautiful, my friend. You’re unique and nobody else will ever be like you. Nobody else has ever been like you. Your hobbies, your strengths, even your weaknesses, they make you who you are. Your smile can brighten up a dark day.

I know right now, everything seems like it’s tearing you apart. I know everything you thought you had figured out just faded before your eyes. But stop for a second. Close your eyes and think to yourself: “I got this far and I will conquer the world. Even if it’s not today, I will. Nothing will stop me”.

It’s true. Not only does “conquer” mean to defeat, to rise to the top, it also means to overcome. You, my friend, will show the world who’s boss. You will overcome this world, and teach it that it messed with the wrong person. You may conquer the world by going to work and making the best custard ever or having a great idea for the network. You may conquer the world by getting up in the morning and finding the motivation to keep going. You will conquer the world every day for the rest of your life, and your life is just beginning. Don’t stress over “maybe”s or “one day”s. Look to the future and see yourself smiling. Because you’re there, I promise. The future wants you in it.

I care. I always have cared and  I always will care. Maybe we don’t know how to deal with it, but we can get through it. I know it hurts like hell right now, but if it’s going to hurt like hell, there’s nothing better than to hurt like hell together, with a friend. Your heart may be broken right now; it may feel like it’s in 1,000 pieces that you have to pick up off the ground one by one, but I’m here to help you pick them up. You’ll never be alone.

I hope that somehow these words find you, and that somehow these words help you. I’m always here for you.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win”

-E. ♥

“Where words fail, music speaks.”

Thanks for that quote, Hans Christian Andersen.

Often times when you first meet someone, you try to find things you have in common with them. One of the first things that pops into my mind is music. Music, in my opinion, is a huge part of what makes us who we are as human beings. In this post, I’ll be talking a little bit about my music taste. Fair warning though, it’s all over the place. There’s no one genre I stick to. Without further ado, let’s begin! Song titles will be in blue.

What song am I listening to right at this moment? I Wouldn’t Mind by He is We.

What are my top ten played songs according to iTunes?

  1. The Schuyler Sisters by the Hamilton Original Broadway Cast
  2. Tonight by Seether
  3. Work from Home by Fifth Harmony
  4. Cruisin’ California by The Offspring
  5. The Nightcore version of Haven’t Had Enough by Mariana’s Trench
  6. Stupid For You by Waterparks (Happy birthday, Awsten!)
  7. Satisfied from the Hamilton Mixtape
  8. Fire Water Burn” by The Bloodhound Gang
  9. You’re Welcome” by Dwayne Johnson, from “Moana”
  10. Team” by Krewella

What is my top skipped song according to iTunes? Turning Into You” by The Offspring.

I found a questionnaire about music online, and I’ll be answering some of the questions from it now. It’s kinda cool, and it made me think.

  1. What do you think music is? I think music is a form of art, through which humans can communicate. Instrumental music, to me, is one of the most basic forms of this communication. I sang a song in choir once and a line stated “music is a universal language, freely spoken by one and all”. That always stuck with me.
  2. How often do you usually listen to music? I listen to music every day, there’s barely a day I don’t. Most nights I have my iPod playing music through the entire night.
  3. When you want to listen to music you use… My iPod Classic! It has 160GB of storage, and it’s about the only piece of Apple technology I tolerate. There’s 1,236 songs on it currently. Other than that, I also use YouTube.
  4. Where do you prefer listening to music? In my room, right now. When I drive, I play music as well. I love listening to music while I drive.
  5. Have you ever been to a concert? Yes! I have seen Courage My Love, All Time Low, A Day To Remember, and Blink-182.
  6. What is your favorite musical instrument? Trumpet or cornet.
  7. Do you play any musical instrument? If yes, which one? Heck yeah. I play trumpet, cornet, euphonium, trombone, tuba, and a little ukulele and flute.
  8. Can you express your feelings with music? If so, how? Absolutely. There’s music for everything. I don’t know why I do it, but when I’m sad I listen to sad music. My go-to sad song isLittle Do You Know by Alex & Sierra. There’s happy music. There’s music to get you energized. There’s honestly music for everything. It’s up to the person to decide what they listen to, when.
  9. Is there a song that’s special to you? There’s a couple. If It Means a Lot To You by A Day To Remember is one of them. It was the first song ever introduced to me by the band, and I used to sing it all the time as a middle school student. Starboy” by the Weeknd is another. This is because when I was in Ohio in December, any time Michelle and I would go somewhere, it was on the radio. We’d send each other messages whenever it came on the radio. It became our song. Chandelier” by Sia is another one I’ll mention. I’ll just leave it at “2015 OHWG Encampment girls’ barracks” as to why it’s special. Lastly, the Christmas song Greensleeves.
  10. Is there a particular song you don’t like? It’s not necessarily… not liking… but the song Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol just upsets me. I can’t listen to it. I used to hate Aerosmith’s Janie’s Got a Gun, but it’s now a song that I like to listen to.
  11. What song would you recommend to someone in a tough situation? I’d recommend Never Too Late by Three Days Grace and Rise Above This by Seether. Possibly Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus depending on the person and situation.

Alright. I think that’s enough for tonight. I should try to sleep. Here’s a quick January goal update: Goal 2; eat healthier, has been achieved. So has Goal 6; keep my email organized. It’s a decent start.

I’ll leave off with another quote-

“Music touches us emotionally, where words alone can’t.” ― Johnny Depp

Peace out, girl scouts. That’s the end of this JAMboree. (Ha?)

~E. 

Happiness Is Where You Are

Sometimes it takes not blogging for a month to really find something to blog about.

With that being said… I’ll say Merry Christmas– and then get right into my post.

So, the last time I posted was November 22nd – over a month ago. I showed you my room and talked about Hamilton and other life happenings. This post is going to have a bit of a different spin. I’m going to talk about everything I’ve done in the past month- because heaven knows it’s been… crazy.

On November 27th, my family celebrated Thanksgiving by attending a potluck supper held by other local Americans in Groningen. That was 20161127_190604pretty awesome. The macaroni and cheese was the best. And I never really liked turkey that much- but this turkey was fantastic.  The building pictured is where it was. It was really nice… a great spot for it. It was also decorated beautifully. The lights inside were amazing.

Then… the month turned. December was upon me. It still hasn’t set in that it’s almost 2017, but that’s for a different time to freak out about.

20161203_200144December 3rd I got on an airplane and I flew to Ohio.  It wasn’t spontaneous, I’d had my tickets booked since October. I had been so excited to go back for months… and it finally happened. I didn’t think time would pass that quickly… but it did. So, December 3rd. I landed in Columbus and a family friend, “L”, who was also watching my car, picked me up from the airport. The first thing we did was go to the store and buy Fruit Loops. Man, I’d been wanting Fruit Loops for far too long. The night of December 3rd I spent at L’s house. I took a long shower and slept really well.

December 4th, I woke up and drove to Youngstown where I took part in20161204_144415 Tuba Christmas for the fourth year in a row. It was absolutely worth the 3 or so hour drive. I got to see Ky and a few other friends. I even made new friends! Tuba Christmas took most of the day, but after that I went to Steak and Shake with Ky and my two new friends. It was great. I drove, because man I’d missed my car. Looking back, I’m glad I drove as much as I did. Hmph. But that will be explained later. After Steak and Shake, I drove to where I’d be staying for the remainder of my trip, with a friend named Michelle and her husband and three kids. I got there, took a bath, and fell asleep.

December 5th was relatively normal. I spent time with Michelle, and in the evening I had my first Civil Air Patrol meeting being back. It was PT night. I’d say it went rather well if you overlook me falling because my ankle gave out. Oh well. This is why I carry ankle and knee braces. I got a nice bruise from it, that’s just today finally starting to fade. That’s how you make memories, right?

20161206_122341December 6th was Tuesday. I had a chiropractor appointment for the first time in 4 months, and it was heavenly. After my appointment, I got free Panera by using my saved up rewards and my free birthday pastry. This too was heavenly. I didn’t realize how much I also missed Panera even though I rarely went there.

December 7th. CyberPatriot practice in the evening. Other than that, I spent the day with Michelle. We got really expensive macarons, and they were fantastic.

December 8th. The morning started out with Michelle and I doing one of those black face mask things that supposedly hurt like hell when peeling it off your face. It wasn’t all that bad… definitely not as bad as every video made it look. Michelle and I then got lunch at the Kitchen Post, a really awesome small business that has amazing food. That night, I had aircrew training for Civil Air Patrol. I’m studying to become a mission scanner! I don’t know of many cadets who do it, so I decided I’d give it a chance.

December 9th. I went shopping for the first time being back. I got myself a winter coat. I got a few other Christmas presents. I ate lunch at Chick-fil-A. It was a pretty fantastic morning. In the afternoon, I got my hair dyed again. The same reddish color… 1481338637338but just so the roots didn’t look as horrifying as they had. Ha. That night, I spent the night at my friend’s house. She’s a C/CMSgt in the Civil Air Patrol, and we spent the night partially because we had to meet early the next day for CyberPatriot. We’ll call her KJ. KJ’s mom made me my own pumpkin pie because I’d been so deprived of anything pumpkin here. It was fantastic. However, KJ and I both will confirm that you shouldn’t eat fresh-out-of-the-oven pumpkin pie unless pumpkin stew is what you’re after.

December 10th. CyberPatriot competition, held at Kent State University. It was my first competition as a mentor, and it was interesting. I kept track of some of my favorite quotes from the day. These included:

  • “We put an antivirus on it, right? That’s what CCleaner and Malwarebytes is, right?”
  • “The local security policy is where a lot of stuff is”
  • “That’s not how you spell ‘logging'” “have fun loge-ing on”
  • “No more messing with FTP. We’ve done enough FTP” “But there’s 5 points left! They have to be FTP”
  • “WAIT! Go to Nautilus!” “What is your obsession with Nautilus, child?!” “Well, we haven’t gone through the slash var thing!”
  • “Either this will kill it… or it will kill it and give us points”

If any of my readers know computers, those should have made you chuckle at least a little. I know it was funny in the moment. And it half hurt to not be allowed to say anything. I spent the time by designing a photo book on Shutterfly. It was a good purchase.

img_20161211_132541December 11th. I spent the previous night at KJ’s again. Her sister really liked me. She’s 6. I don’t know what it is with children.  I also cracked my phone screen on December 11th. It wasn’t fun. Oh well. I put my case on afterwards and it’s fine. Didn’t break the digitizer so all is well.

Other than that, the rest of my day was phenomenal. Hi mom, here begin the things you didn’t know about. *hides*.

December 11th, still. Alex, his girlfriend, myself, and one of my friends went to Pittsburgh to the Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Gardens to see the Christmas lights they had there. Let’s just say, the weather wasn’t the greatest. The way down was okay. We stopped and ate Chipotle. Then we drove. The lights were incredible.

The way back, we did like, 20 miles per hour in a 75. We couldn’t see. But hey, we’re alive! Shout-out to Alex for being a pretty awesome person and great driver and getting all of us home safe. Alex and his girlfriend got home at like, 3 am. But was it worth it? Absolutely.

December 12th. I spent time with Michelle during the day, and I had a Civil Air Patrol meeting in the evening. I taught drill for the first time in forever, and it was amazing to be back. I also started to get sick today. Nothing like Ohio!

December 13th. Hi mom, you didn’t know about this one either. I’m safe and alive though! 20161213_180047The Rickenbacker Composite Squadron, Civil Air Patrol, is located near Columbus. That 3 hours or so I had to drive to get from L’s to Michelle. My friend “T” and I decided it would be fun to go down to their Christmas party, since we were invited down by multiple people. So, we went. We watched the weather all day, and when it came time, I drove. We kept a running tally, we passed 9 wrecks or 20161213_194026accidents on the way there.

It really wasn’t bad to drive in, though. Like, people are just idiots I think. We left the worst of the weather behind. As soon as it got bad in NE Ohio, we were out of there. T and I had a fantastic time at the Christmas Party. We saw some people we didn’t think we’d ever see again, and caught up with some old friends. After the party, I drove back to NE Ohio and we didn’t pass a single accident. We really did miss the bad weather. I slept good that night. Especially because of this pillow Michelle had. Ha. It was like, memory foam or something, and honestly my favorite thing on Earth.

December 14th. I slept in. Whoa! Haha. Aside from that, I visited family friends, and had CyberPatriot practice in the evening.

December 15th. I went to the movies with KJ and Lauren and saw “Moana”. I fell in love with Disney all over again. I may or may not have been listening to the Moana soundtrack nonstop since then. I’m absolutely not listening to it as I’m typing this… no… Ha. After Moana, I had aircrew training/staff meeting for Civil Air Patrol. I got my first few tasks signed off. That felt pretty good.

December 16th. I didn’t do a whole lot on the 16th. I spent it with Michelle and her family.

December 17th. This day, this day was kinda perfect. It was after all the reason I came back to visit. It started off pretty cool, I saw Alex and we did Christmas presents. Then I went shopping, to get some final Christmas stuff. Then… why I came. The Squadron Awards 20161217_200935Banquet and Christmas Party. It was… amazing. I was awarded two cyber awards, I was given my Amelia Earhart award for promoting to Cadet Captain, I got a challenge coin, an achievement award, and I was awarded Squadron Cadet of the Year. Everyone also loved the slideshow I made. It was so perfect. It was also amazing to see everyone from CAP I missed so much. The picture shows my view for most of the night. I was in charge of sound and slides. it was really cool. Definitely worth going. I’m so glad I20161218_141522 had the opportunity to.

December 18th. I spent the morning with two friends from CAP, playing Cards Against Humanity and building a gingerbread house. After that, I visited a Santa in my hometown. It was sweet. Then I stayed home with Michelle’s kids so she and her 20161218_173111husband could go out for their six month wedding anniversary. It was my first gingerbread house ever… and yes that is a gingerbread man “chalk” outline.

December 19th. Michelle and I went shopping, and out to lunch at Olive Garden. It was very nice. Then I just hung out with her until my Civil Air Patrol meeting. I left really early so I could drive the route I used to drive since it would be my last CAP meeting for a while. After the meeting I went to Arby’s with two friends, and I had my 15628903_1314648875243002_462252621_ofirst ever roast beef sandwich. And then… at 11:26 pm… when I was driving home… I slid my car off the road. It was the most terrifying moment of my life, probably. Everyone had always told me how ridiculous the 711 was in the winter. The cones by the pole in the picture were there because they had just finished fixing it that morning. I was a doors length away. I was pretty sure I was going to slam into it and die… the pole was right by my door. I called 911… I had to get towed. Something was leaking and I was stuck. Alex came and picked me up… and I got home to Michelle’s at around 3 am. I couldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t know what would happen. I was scared…

December 20th. I woke up early and filed a claim about the accident. I called my insurance. I made sure the mechanics knew my car was there and what had happened. I was still incredibly shaken up. But, it was okay. I went to Walmart with Lauren, got McDonald’s that I was craving, and I got to spend time with another family friend. It was very nice.

December 21st. Alex and his girlfriend picked me up to drive me to Columbus, since I 20161222_001946couldn’t drive myself. I’m so thankful for them. They dropped me off at L’s, and I spent time with her and her son. I repacked all of my luggage. We had dinner at TGI Friday’s. I did some incredibly last minute shopping. But, it was nice. I got everything done. I spent time with her, and I still got to sleep. After making Christmas cookies, that is.

December 22nd. I woke up and took a bath. It was nice. I listened to the Moana soundtrack while using some fancy bubble bath from Bath and Body Works. Then L took me to the airport. There was a delay, so we had a fancy lunch at an airport bar & grill. It was really good. After that, I said goodbye. Or well… not goodbye. See you later.

I took my time going through security, and sat down at the gate. I talked to a 20161222_174736few people going to Fort Worth, Texas. They were pretty cool. When I boarded the plane to Philadelphia, I had an entire row to myself and I slept almost the whole time. I had a really cool flight attendant. Also, Philly is beautiful at night.

When we landed in Philly, I had about three hours to kill at the airport. I spent $40 on books and snacks. Oops. I went to my gate and sat down to play on my computer for the rest of the time.

Then, it was time to board my final plane, from Philly to Amsterdam. I was in a bad mood, and in boarding group 4. I was ticked because someone with a frequent flyer number 20161222_165746shouldn’t be in group 4, but whatever. I got over that really quickly. I got to my seat in row 32, and I was still grumpy. That again though, didn’t last long. Once I started talking to the people by me, I quickly discovered that this would be the best flight ever. To my right there was an 18 year old named Alexander. To my left, was a woman named Susan.

Susan slept the whole time, but Alexander and I talked for about 5 consecutive hours. Then we both napped. And talked more. It was by far my favorite airplane experience. Shout-out to Alexander for making that plane ride bearable.

So… yeah. That was the past month of my life in a word count of under 3,000.

Oh! I almost forgot! I was in charge of moving Michelle’s resident Elf on a Shelf, Snowflake. Here are my favorite few:

Lastly, good luck and thank you to Alex for once again taking bamboomy bamboo in and bamboo-sitting. You’re a great person.

Thank you to everyone who made my trip possible and enjoyable. All of my friends and adoptive family members… I love you. ♥

I’ll leave you with a quote from Moana- I took my post title from it, as well.

“There comes a day
When you’re gonna look around
And realize happiness is
Where you are”

Consider the coconut.

~E.♥

Breathe…

Your chest starts to tighten, and you feel yourself getting colder. Your hands are clammy and you feel weak. You don’t feel the tears anymore, the ones streaming down your face. You think about everything in life you’ve ever done and you wonder what would’ve happened had you acted differently. You sit down on the ground against a wall, you feel yourself pushing into it… but you don’t realize it. You can’t stop it. You don’t fully understand what set you off this time, but it was probably something small. You usually keep everything bottled up inside. That’s not good, everyone tells you. Random parts of your body start to hurt. You want to cry out for help, but you know you can’t. Or you know what they’ll say. You get tired.. and you lose motivation to do anything. You try to breathe but your lungs feel like they’re filled with water. This goes on for at least 10 minutes…

If you’ve never had a panic attack or an anxiety attack, you may think this is just a poem. Maybe a short story excerpt. It’s not just a poem or story. It’s what happens to me and so many others when you get so stressed… so anxious, that you just can’t function.

So yeah, I am happy, and I am fine, but this just happens sometimes. You learn to deal with it. Sometimes you share with a friend what’s going  on. Sometimes you sit all alone. Sometimes it’s only 10 minutes. Other times it’s a whole day. Everyone and every time is different. Sometimes you don’t even know why you’re “over-reacting” so much. You can’t control it.

I wish I could control it. I’m trying… Really.

Stay strong, guys. Breathe. ♥

-E.

The one about feelings, anger, and frustration

Everyone deals with it. Anger, sadness,  stress, frustration. Sometimes jealousy. I try not to blog about them, but I’m going to be brutally honest- sometimes ignoring your emotions takes a toll on you. There’s been one other rather upset blog post with lots of feelings; the annoying one about me getting dumped. Normally, I feel horrible posting my feelings online, and as you could see in the post after it, I apologized. This time… I won’t apologize. My feelings are my feelings, and honestly if you’re reading my blog, you sort of care about me anyway (or you’re just amused at my misfortunes; but that’s alright too).

I’m having a really shitty time adjusting to this country and the people in it. I’m trying to do my best, trying to hold on for my mom’s sake. She’s so stressed as well, I feel like whenever she sees me be happy, it makes her happy. So I’m really trying. I love my mom, and I hate seeing her upset- especially now coming to realize that she’s actually a cool parent- and has been, but I just didn’t see it (ouch, did I just say that out loud? Online, for that matter?). I just need to find a way to get my frustration out. This blog is helping, but I’m not sure how much longer. I miss my late night drives, in my car, by myself. I miss seeing my friends, being able to just crash on someone’s couch and maybe wake up in the morning, maybe in the afternoon. I miss being able to do “stupid” stuff like drinking a few too many energy drinks or walking over the train tracks or walking through the woods alone or even driving a little too fast sometimes (heh).

Anyhoo, this country. This country, man. No, it’s not all bad. I really enjoy some of the things, but that’s for happy blog posts. This is not a happy blog post.

  1. UGH I MISS MY HOODIE WEATHER AND PUMPKIN EVERYTHING. It skipped straight to winter coat and where the f*** is the pumpkin in this country?!
  2. If people could stop interrupting and/or ignoring my brother whenever he talks, that would be cool. Just because you don’t see the enthusiasm of the little human doesn’t mean no one else does. Weird.
  3. I want food that doesn’t give me a stomach ache. I mean, yay! All natural whatnot. I mean, damn. Does my body have to reject it? I got less sick from a McDonald’s Buttermilk Crispy Chicken sandwich…
  4. Speaking of stomach… MIDOL. How do females here even survive shark week?! And tampons, dang, I just paid nearly 8 Euros (Which is around $8.40) for a box of like, 15 normal tampons. This is an issue.
  5. “How rude”. People here are legitimately the most rude human beings I have ever seen. You can stand in a store looking at something, and before you know it (without an excuse me) you have a Dutch person all up in your jacket (because it’s -100° or something in stores) looking or grabbing something from in front of you.
  6. Oh my goodness… and the government. They track pretty much everywhere you go. Apparently there’s this whole WhatsApp security crisis that’s got a bunch of people’s panties in a twist. But aside from that, as a seasoned and free American citizen, I find it uber creepy that the government has to know in what house you’re living, and with who, and all the kids, and they have to see you, and it’s just freaking me out. (Oh, and I miss my second amendment).
  7. I can’t carry my knife. It’s apparently frowned upon or illegal or something. I haven’t done too much digging, but from what I’ve seen it’s illegal (please correct me if I’m wrong).
  8. Number 8 has been removed for… reasons.
  9. Hamsters here. Oh my, the poor hamsters here. This will likely turn into a blog post on its own- but for now… the wheels the pet store sells for hamsters are so incredibly bad for them. Please, if you have a rodent of any sort, do NOT get a metal wheel. It will hurt your pet.
  10. Number 10 has also been removed.
  11. Oh man, here comes the stomach ache (just ate dinner oops)
  12. The time zone. Why the time zone?! I miss my friends. I miss talking to people. I miss attending Civil Air Patrol. I’d missed nine meetings in my cadet career (including encampments and NCSAs) and that’s up to 11 now. It pains me a little. And the whole… messaging people. Yeah- I still can- but it’s at weird times. *sigh*.
  13. This entire country is pretty anti-american and pro-american stereotyping. It’s a tad frustrating. I mean, I suppose America is the country with the highest obesity and the most junk food- but so what? That doesn’t really mean you can profit off of making fun of me. Or Americans in general. (I’m still pretty patriotic even for not living in the country. I’d be flying an American flag if it wouldn’t get my house vandalized. You think I’m kidding).
  14. WHY are my clothes losing color?
  15. We still don’t have [working] phones over here. That is a little ridiculous- especially since my brother is in school. What if an emergency happens?
  16. I really want our house. But it isn’t ready until November 1st. Oh man, I’m going nuts.
  17. I WANT MY FACE WASH AND MY CHEAP RITE AID PERFUME. This boat can kindly floor it across the Atlantic.
  18. Number 18 has also been removed.
  19. Hey look, it’s my favorite number. Well, this one is about my birthday. I am turning 18 this year (oh no, I just gave away my age on the interwebs) and I had planned on becoming a legal adult in the US of A. Yanno, buying a lottery ticket legally because I can. Maybe buy some dry-ice, paintballs, pepper spray, and a new knife while I’m at it (hoorah for ridiculous rules). Aside from all of those things, “becoming an adult” seems so much less complicated in a country you’ve witnessed other people do the thing you have to do before you. “Becoming an adult” seems so much simpler when you know the language and grammar (and a couple of curse words) without even having to think. I’d prepared myself to become an adult in America. I was ready for adult life there. How am I even supposed to choose health insurance here? I barely know all the big words for body parts here. How would I even know what doctor to go to? *sigh* I can’t adult.
  20. And the power here. This is more our fault- but I don’t have enough power cables to keep all of my electronics charged. My mom and I share a computer cable, and my laptop dies when it’s not plugged in (thanks, hp battery recalls). This is driving me nuts.

Well, there’s 20 complaints I have. Maybe I’ll post twenty positives soon. It’ll be fun to try and think of in depth arguments for why I like it here. Oh well, I feel better after this long rant. Maybe I’ll go take the Dutch version of ibuprofen and try to sleep.

Stay strong guys, and don’t let others change who you are.

-E.

 

Oh my, the month went by!

Hello, lovely readers!

Some of you have noticed that I haven’t posted in a while… a month exactly. I’m not necessarily about excuses, but, there is a legitimate reason.

I used to reside in the delightful state of construction work and bipolar weather, however, I have since moved to the other side of the world! (And let me tell you, I’m pretty sure this is the country of construction work and well, rain).

water-in-the-dark

The picture is of the city near my hometown here in the Netherlands. If you look to your right, those boats are actually peoples’ houses. It’s pretty neat. The lights and the sky and the water all look incredible, and honestly, I only noticed that in the picture… not even in person.

The Netherlands is like a whole different world to me. Yes, I lived here until I was 7- but that means very little. I knew as much of the language as any seven-year-old does of their language. I’d picked up enough to get by in years after that, but now I’ve started to realize that the language barrier may be greater than I thought. I shy away from speaking Dutch because I know it likely won’t be grammatically correct. Maybe I’m not using the correct tense of the word. Maybe I’m just creating a word altogether. It’s a little stressful. Everyone back home says “give it a month” or “go make friends”. That’s so much easier said than done. Yes, I may have been incredibly social in America, but that’s different here.

Here, I feel insecure about what I wear. I don’t know the norms here. I never see anyone wearing a simple graphic t-shirt here. I felt awkward going into a store yesterday wearing my Paramore tee, black cargo pants, and Timberland boots. I felt like I stood out. My pants weren’t tight. My shoes weren’t “cute”. Who wears a shirt with writing on it? It’s probably all in my head… but that’s bad enough. Here, I feel awkward even talking. My voice sounds weird to me when I speak a different language.  When I’m with my mom, I let her do the talking and I awkwardly stare. Yes, usually I can follow conversations. I just don’t feel like I have enough words to choose from to be relaxed enough to participate. I’ve wished more people here would speak English to me, but then there’s the accent that bothers the living hell out of me and the reversed language barrier. I guess maybe I’ll learn soon enough. Maybe I should try harder.

My body isn’t used to the time zone yet. I’ve never had an issue with jet lag. Back in America, I had a hard time sleeping. Throw me in a country whose time zone is Eastern Time +6… I’m screwed. I have yet to fall asleep before five o’clock in the morning, and I’ve been here 8 days now. And yes, I have indeed tried putting down all electronics. I have slept through the days, though. Side note: that’s a really good way to avoid humans.

There’s not a whole lot else to blog about- since my days have recently been spent sleeping and avoiding people. I signed up to referee soccer for U11 and U9 leagues. I was the only girl in the room. It was a tad awkward.. especially because the club then posted on their website that they appreciated the “boys and fathers” that came out to the meeting. Well, I’ll show them. I guess female referees are seldom in any sport. I’ll smash the patriarchy in their face before they can even think “why is there a female ref?”.

So, yeah. I’m alive. I’m hanging in there. I’m trying to look at this like an adventure. Most people in the US would kill to spend time in Europe. Even though my situation wasn’t exactly planned… or my choice… I’m trying to be positive. It’s going alright.

-E. ♥

Noah’s Lost Ark & Lions

This past month, my family visited an exotic animal sanctuary, called Noah’s Lost Ark.  I thought it was really incredible- especially because of the amount of animals they had. They had everything from miniature horses and donkeys to kinkajous and lions.

Noah’s Lost Ark, however, is not your regular petting zoo. Every animal that is there has been rescued from being abused, or simply being unwanted.

The lions were absolutely adorable. You can meet them here. Multiple have been named Simba, and I thought that was the cutest thing.

So, that was my trip visiting lions. They’re really pretty cool.

Stay strong.

-E.

I’m not a lion today.

I’m not a lion today. Or yesterday. It was 7 months and 9 days… But they were, what I thought, the most amazing 7 months of my life. It felt so much longer than 7 months… We always said forever and ever… 12-1-15 to forever and ever, to be exact. Well, I guess it was 12-1-15 to 7-11-16.

I miss him like all hell. We have so many memories, and it hurts to think about them. It hurts in general. Sometimes I’m okay, but I love him. And when you love someone, who stopped loving you, well, that hurts a little (that’s an understatement). The 222 days spent in this relationship were, well, some weren’t the best, no, however they felt blissful and perfect. And oh goodness, I was happy. I thought he was, too.

When we started dating, everyone commented on how happy he always was now. I guess that came to an end. I wish there was something I could’ve done.

I’m gonna miss it. I already miss wearing his class ring on a necklace around my neck. I loved wearing it… at some point he loved seeing me wearing it. The little red diamond, the engraving, jazz and “Carpe Diem” on the sides… wow. I still wear the ring he got me in New Orleans to ask me to prom with. That’s probably not okay but… I’m still in love with him…

I will miss our breakfast dinners, our sporadic driving trips like when we got fudge at that flea market. I will miss playing music with you, singing in your car… because you truly did improve so much. Music school is a great fit for you, and you will excel and do great things (me not so much, I’m still doubting. Again. Maybe music isn’t for me?).  I still love you.

I texted him and asked if he’s still reading the notes I wrote him. I wrote him ~365 notes as as a birthday gift. He said he did, but now he stopped. I don’t know what I expected, but that hurt, too.

I will miss watching Sharknado, cuddling on the couch. We never did get our Star Wars marathon day… We did watch Ant Man, Ferris Bueller, Grease (sort of), Bob Ross (I do believe “Forest Down Oval” was your favorite episode), and that Crackling Fireplace… (crackling). Hah. We played AirConsole too, and that quiz was fun. I think at some point we watched Criminal Minds, too.

Prom… Both proms were amazing. Thank you for being my date to them. Thank you for taking me to yours. Thank you for taking me to Perkins with the group after your prom, and then going to the Drive-In after mine.

I think I’ll miss your friends, too. They were nice. The one double date we did was fun (and yes, you have some incredible athletic skills on a trampoline. It was impressive).

I’ll miss our snapstreak, which was 221 today, I believe. And how much effort we put into those stupid little heart things that mean we were eachothers’ best friends for however long…

I looked back through my album of pictures of us and you on my phone today, and I realized you haven’t genuinely smiled in a while. It hurt coming to that realization. I miss that smile… That smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen… and it meant so much when it was about me, or for me.

I miss the smell of you, as dumb as that is. It’s engraved in my head, and I think I even started to smell like you a little. You always smelled so good… I loved that about you, too.

Oh and hey, you can eat my fruit snacks that are at your house now.

I’m gonna miss driving by the school and looking at your tire tracks in the grass by the curve of the road where we got stuck in the snow and had to get towed by AAA.

I miss playing “Headbands” or “Heads Up” (or whatever it’s called) with you, and our swan at Cedar Point was fantastic.

I miss breaks in between Stambaugh rehearsal where I’d “perch” up on my spot, and we’d sort of sit and cuddle. I also find it adorable that you broke off a little piece of the tree branch from the tree by my spot in the Stambaugh parking lot. It was so cute…

I’m going to miss our cuddles, and our kisses, and “the cheerleader”. I do miss our cuddles and our kisses.

I’m going to miss our booth, booth 19, at Waffle House. I’m gonna miss those late night conversations with Jeremy, as well as Kaj when he worked that shift. I even miss the little thing you did with the syrup bottles at IHOP, when you’d make them talk and make “sir-yup” jokes. I’m so mad at myself for getting embarrassed by that… it was so cute.

I’m going to miss your coffee addiction, and joking around about how much of an adult you are.

I’m going to miss going to concerts with you. The Packard band ones were fun, as was Boardman. And thank you for coming to my concerts, and playing in our jazz band (you’re an amazing jazz musician, too), and thank you for letting me come to your concert.

Thank you for coming to the basketball game with us, and then judging the pep band and commentating the game. It was a nice time.

Thank you for coming to Mill Creek Park for those lights… And when you said “All these lights and she’s the only one that lights my world”. That was quite.. amazing. And the “All this sugar isn’t nearly as sweet as you”. That one was nice, too.

Thank you for coming to church with me on Easter. That meant so much too, even though I know you were out of your comfort zone.

I guess I’ll never see the first act of “Meet Me at the Corner of Robinson and Crusoe”… I tried so hard. I rushed home from robotics to try and make it… I loved it, though. You’re such a talented actor. And thank you for taking me to dinner with the drama club those nights. And after your band concert, too. We may not have gone with your senior class, but we had a great time.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the parades you did with my family and I. The Christmas one with the tree lighting was one of our first “dates”. It was nice. I still love that selfie of us.

Thank you for coming to the Wing Conference dinner. Thank you for coming to the Squadron Christmas party. All my CAP friends loved you. All my friends loved you… We were “goals“.

Thank you for allowing me to be your date to that dance your band sponsors. The Snow Ball, or whatever.

Thank you for your awesome music taste, and your sense of humor. I’ll miss both of those, too.

Thank you for coming to the quintet show, and the graduation party we played at. And then coming afterwards and playing Cards Against Humanity with us.

Thank you for always bragging about me. As much as I hate(d) it, it was kind of cute. You loved showing me off.

Thank you for taking me skating, at your favorite place, nonetheless. That date was perfect. And cute. Although… #TeamInlineForLife.

Thank you for letting me put my fingerprint in your phone, and making your password our anniversary. And your wallpaper was always the hearts on my car window (which are still there) and then me. First that one picture of me in the hoodie… Awe. Then the cute collages you made.

Thank you for taking me to that expensive restaurant. Even though I felt a little awkward in that setting, it was so beautiful. I hope you find a lifestyle that fits you, and you can achieve your goal of eating like that once a week. And thank you for taking me to the two story Barnes and Noble and Starbucks after. That day was a nice day.

And the movies we saw together… Pan (okay, maybe I’m scared of birds), Deadpool, The Angry Birds Movie, Zootopia (and Shakira…) and the Drive-In ones; The Jungle Book, Finding Dory, and Alice: Through the Looking Glass. Those were fantastic dates. I never used to be into traditional movie dates, but damn, they were pretty awesome. Especially the Jungle Book at the drive-in, when we cuddled in the back of your car. That was after my prom.

Thank you for getting me Baby Simba in Disney… I still cuddle him, and I don’t think I’ll be discontinuing his travels. I do enjoy blogging those.

Thank you for emailing me while I was in Texas. Yes, it was unconventional as all hell, but it worked. I got to talk to you.

Thank you for making a Pinterest and a Facebook. That was cute too. Because, yeah, I hinted it but they were your decisions, and you were so enthusiastic about it.

Thank you for buying me those earrings, the paper crane ones and the diamond-like ones. Both are for different things, but both are so cute and amazing.

Thank you for making me Paper Cranes. I guess we never did get to 1,000. But I think I have like, 27. That’s not so bad, either. They’re cute. I still remember when you said “I’m making a flock so I can fly to you”. That was so adorable…

Thank you for all of your clothes I ended up stealing/using/having. I don’t even know how to put this one and sound sane. Oh well, it’s a common couple-y thing, I suppose. Your green jacket, your gray zip-up jacket, your drama club shirt, your reading clinic shirt (which I totally took to Texas, along with your hat and pajamas), the R2D2 pajamas, and your hat (and then the other I ended up with, with the Alice pins...)… I loved wearing them. They smelled just like you, too…

Thank you for being the adorable nerd you are, for going on amazing factual statements I under-appreciated. For enthusiastically talking about your favorite games like Bastion and Transistor, and the new Pyre, even though you knew I really don’t game or even understand sometimes. Or your favorite soundtracks, like Darren Korb. Or your favorite streamers and Youtubers and all of that. Because I really just loved hearing you talk about things you’re passionate about. You were happy.

Thank you for always talking about everything, and making sure I’m comfortable and happy.

Thank you for trusting me, and always saying you would never lie to me. I don’t know if you did or not, but I’ll try to have faith you didn’t. Thank you for sharing things with me I know you wouldn’t with anyone else. I know so much about you, and trust me, that’s safe with me (and I don’t love you any less because of it, and I never did).

Thank you for taking me to Cedar Point with your sister and her friend. That was a fun day. I bought you that octopus necklace and I was going to do something cute with it, but I’m sorry. I may end up just wearing it- I need a necklace now anyway, and Octopi are pretty great.

Thank you for coming to my graduation(s), and allowing me to come to yours. I’m glad I had someone to share those memories with. The graduation parties, too. Ours were nice, and so was going to the one of your friend.

Thank you for keeping that damn cotton candy machine for so long. I know it’s a pain in the neck.. but you did it without the blink of an eye. Thank you.

Thank you for helping me babysit that one day. Our little walk was fun.

Thank you for always caring about me, (and I don’t know if you still would), but thank you for practically being willing to do anything to protect me.

Your parents are sweethearts. I’ll miss them too. Thank you guys for everything, as well. And thank you for planning that Disney trip. Sorry about the extra room you have now…

Thank you for getting my brother that Jelly Bean dispenser, and the Minecraft stuff. That was sweet.

Thank you for keeping my blog open in a tab on your phone. That is (was?) so sweet.

Thank you for keeping my snapstreaks while I was in Texas.

Thank you for getting those markers for my graduation party (you solved that super well).

Thank you for keeping saltines in your car for me.

Thank you for feeding my Monster addiction, really. It was nice to have an energy drink (or two, or three) here and there.

Thank you for coming into the room where I was making parade float decorations just to give me a kiss. That was really sweet.

Thank you for doing Relay for Life with me, and even going the extra mile and wearing a dress to raise money for our team… That meant so incredibly much and you handled it so well. And when we went to the house that night and we just cuddled all night, and neither of us wanted to get up out of that bed in the morning… I really thought there would’ve been more days in the future we’d wake up together like that.

I miss kissing you, and putting my hand on the back of your head to pull you closer. I loved your new haircut too, even though I was a complete bitch about it at first. I’m sorry… You really do look great no matter what.

Thank you for those nights at Inner Circle after our concerts. We played pool, and you single-handedly destroyed the opponents; mostly since I could barely hold the pool stick thing, and you’re just that good.

Thank you for that night at Stambaugh, when I was upset, and you flicked that cork grease at me to cheer me up… and then held my hand… and well, the rest was history.

I guess this post is long (the longest on my blog yet) and maybe unnecessary for the reader, but I needed this. I’m an upset, crying mess, and have been crying almost non-stop since 12:55 (the late one) on what just turned Monday the 11th. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, and I feel like my heart was kinda ripped out. Oh well, maybe it was for the best. All good things come to an end, right?

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape…

‘Cause I’m not fine at all.

-E.