I’m not a lion today.

I’m not a lion today. Or yesterday. It was 7 months and 9 days… But they were, what I thought, the most amazing 7 months of my life. It felt so much longer than 7 months… We always said forever and ever… 12-1-15 to forever and ever, to be exact. Well, I guess it was 12-1-15 to 7-11-16.

I miss him like all hell. We have so many memories, and it hurts to think about them. It hurts in general. Sometimes I’m okay, but I love him. And when you love someone, who stopped loving you, well, that hurts a little (that’s an understatement). The 222 days spent in this relationship were, well, some weren’t the best, no, however they felt blissful and perfect. And oh goodness, I was happy. I thought he was, too.

When we started dating, everyone commented on how happy he always was now. I guess that came to an end. I wish there was something I could’ve done.

I’m gonna miss it. I already miss wearing his class ring on a necklace around my neck. I loved wearing it… at some point he loved seeing me wearing it. The little red diamond, the engraving, jazz and “Carpe Diem” on the sides… wow. I still wear the ring he got me in New Orleans to ask me to prom with. That’s probably not okay but… I’m still in love with him…

I will miss our breakfast dinners, our sporadic driving trips like when we got fudge at that flea market. I will miss playing music with you, singing in your car… because you truly did improve so much. Music school is a great fit for you, and you will excel and do great things (me not so much, I’m still doubting. Again. Maybe music isn’t for me?).  I still love you.

I texted him and asked if he’s still reading the notes I wrote him. I wrote him ~365 notes as as a birthday gift. He said he did, but now he stopped. I don’t know what I expected, but that hurt, too.

I will miss watching Sharknado, cuddling on the couch. We never did get our Star Wars marathon day… We did watch Ant Man, Ferris Bueller, Grease (sort of), Bob Ross (I do believe “Forest Down Oval” was your favorite episode), and that Crackling Fireplace… (crackling). Hah. We played AirConsole too, and that quiz was fun. I think at some point we watched Criminal Minds, too.

Prom… Both proms were amazing. Thank you for being my date to them. Thank you for taking me to yours. Thank you for taking me to Perkins with the group after your prom, and then going to the Drive-In after mine.

I think I’ll miss your friends, too. They were nice. The one double date we did was fun (and yes, you have some incredible athletic skills on a trampoline. It was impressive).

I’ll miss our snapstreak, which was 221 today, I believe. And how much effort we put into those stupid little heart things that mean we were eachothers’ best friends for however long…

I looked back through my album of pictures of us and you on my phone today, and I realized you haven’t genuinely smiled in a while. It hurt coming to that realization. I miss that smile… That smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen… and it meant so much when it was about me, or for me.

I miss the smell of you, as dumb as that is. It’s engraved in my head, and I think I even started to smell like you a little. You always smelled so good… I loved that about you, too.

Oh and hey, you can eat my fruit snacks that are at your house now.

I’m gonna miss driving by the school and looking at your tire tracks in the grass by the curve of the road where we got stuck in the snow and had to get towed by AAA.

I miss playing “Headbands” or “Heads Up” (or whatever it’s called) with you, and our swan at Cedar Point was fantastic.

I miss breaks in between Stambaugh rehearsal where I’d “perch” up on my spot, and we’d sort of sit and cuddle. I also find it adorable that you broke off a little piece of the tree branch from the tree by my spot in the Stambaugh parking lot. It was so cute…

I’m going to miss our cuddles, and our kisses, and “the cheerleader”. I do miss our cuddles and our kisses.

I’m going to miss our booth, booth 19, at Waffle House. I’m gonna miss those late night conversations with Jeremy, as well as Kaj when he worked that shift. I even miss the little thing you did with the syrup bottles at IHOP, when you’d make them talk and make “sir-yup” jokes. I’m so mad at myself for getting embarrassed by that… it was so cute.

I’m going to miss your coffee addiction, and joking around about how much of an adult you are.

I’m going to miss going to concerts with you. The Packard band ones were fun, as was Boardman. And thank you for coming to my concerts, and playing in our jazz band (you’re an amazing jazz musician, too), and thank you for letting me come to your concert.

Thank you for coming to the basketball game with us, and then judging the pep band and commentating the game. It was a nice time.

Thank you for coming to Mill Creek Park for those lights… And when you said “All these lights and she’s the only one that lights my world”. That was quite.. amazing. And the “All this sugar isn’t nearly as sweet as you”. That one was nice, too.

Thank you for coming to church with me on Easter. That meant so much too, even though I know you were out of your comfort zone.

I guess I’ll never see the first act of “Meet Me at the Corner of Robinson and Crusoe”… I tried so hard. I rushed home from robotics to try and make it… I loved it, though. You’re such a talented actor. And thank you for taking me to dinner with the drama club those nights. And after your band concert, too. We may not have gone with your senior class, but we had a great time.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the parades you did with my family and I. The Christmas one with the tree lighting was one of our first “dates”. It was nice. I still love that selfie of us.

Thank you for coming to the Wing Conference dinner. Thank you for coming to the Squadron Christmas party. All my CAP friends loved you. All my friends loved you… We were “goals“.

Thank you for allowing me to be your date to that dance your band sponsors. The Snow Ball, or whatever.

Thank you for your awesome music taste, and your sense of humor. I’ll miss both of those, too.

Thank you for coming to the quintet show, and the graduation party we played at. And then coming afterwards and playing Cards Against Humanity with us.

Thank you for always bragging about me. As much as I hate(d) it, it was kind of cute. You loved showing me off.

Thank you for taking me skating, at your favorite place, nonetheless. That date was perfect. And cute. Although… #TeamInlineForLife.

Thank you for letting me put my fingerprint in your phone, and making your password our anniversary. And your wallpaper was always the hearts on my car window (which are still there) and then me. First that one picture of me in the hoodie… Awe. Then the cute collages you made.

Thank you for taking me to that expensive restaurant. Even though I felt a little awkward in that setting, it was so beautiful. I hope you find a lifestyle that fits you, and you can achieve your goal of eating like that once a week. And thank you for taking me to the two story Barnes and Noble and Starbucks after. That day was a nice day.

And the movies we saw together… Pan (okay, maybe I’m scared of birds), Deadpool, The Angry Birds Movie, Zootopia (and Shakira…) and the Drive-In ones; The Jungle Book, Finding Dory, and Alice: Through the Looking Glass. Those were fantastic dates. I never used to be into traditional movie dates, but damn, they were pretty awesome. Especially the Jungle Book at the drive-in, when we cuddled in the back of your car. That was after my prom.

Thank you for getting me Baby Simba in Disney… I still cuddle him, and I don’t think I’ll be discontinuing his travels. I do enjoy blogging those.

Thank you for emailing me while I was in Texas. Yes, it was unconventional as all hell, but it worked. I got to talk to you.

Thank you for making a Pinterest and a Facebook. That was cute too. Because, yeah, I hinted it but they were your decisions, and you were so enthusiastic about it.

Thank you for buying me those earrings, the paper crane ones and the diamond-like ones. Both are for different things, but both are so cute and amazing.

Thank you for making me Paper Cranes. I guess we never did get to 1,000. But I think I have like, 27. That’s not so bad, either. They’re cute. I still remember when you said “I’m making a flock so I can fly to you”. That was so adorable…

Thank you for all of your clothes I ended up stealing/using/having. I don’t even know how to put this one and sound sane. Oh well, it’s a common couple-y thing, I suppose. Your green jacket, your gray zip-up jacket, your drama club shirt, your reading clinic shirt (which I totally took to Texas, along with your hat and pajamas), the R2D2 pajamas, and your hat (and then the other I ended up with, with the Alice pins...)… I loved wearing them. They smelled just like you, too…

Thank you for being the adorable nerd you are, for going on amazing factual statements I under-appreciated. For enthusiastically talking about your favorite games like Bastion and Transistor, and the new Pyre, even though you knew I really don’t game or even understand sometimes. Or your favorite soundtracks, like Darren Korb. Or your favorite streamers and Youtubers and all of that. Because I really just loved hearing you talk about things you’re passionate about. You were happy.

Thank you for always talking about everything, and making sure I’m comfortable and happy.

Thank you for trusting me, and always saying you would never lie to me. I don’t know if you did or not, but I’ll try to have faith you didn’t. Thank you for sharing things with me I know you wouldn’t with anyone else. I know so much about you, and trust me, that’s safe with me (and I don’t love you any less because of it, and I never did).

Thank you for taking me to Cedar Point with your sister and her friend. That was a fun day. I bought you that octopus necklace and I was going to do something cute with it, but I’m sorry. I may end up just wearing it- I need a necklace now anyway, and Octopi are pretty great.

Thank you for coming to my graduation(s), and allowing me to come to yours. I’m glad I had someone to share those memories with. The graduation parties, too. Ours were nice, and so was going to the one of your friend.

Thank you for keeping that damn cotton candy machine for so long. I know it’s a pain in the neck.. but you did it without the blink of an eye. Thank you.

Thank you for helping me babysit that one day. Our little walk was fun.

Thank you for always caring about me, (and I don’t know if you still would), but thank you for practically being willing to do anything to protect me.

Your parents are sweethearts. I’ll miss them too. Thank you guys for everything, as well. And thank you for planning that Disney trip. Sorry about the extra room you have now…

Thank you for getting my brother that Jelly Bean dispenser, and the Minecraft stuff. That was sweet.

Thank you for keeping my blog open in a tab on your phone. That is (was?) so sweet.

Thank you for keeping my snapstreaks while I was in Texas.

Thank you for getting those markers for my graduation party (you solved that super well).

Thank you for keeping saltines in your car for me.

Thank you for feeding my Monster addiction, really. It was nice to have an energy drink (or two, or three) here and there.

Thank you for coming into the room where I was making parade float decorations just to give me a kiss. That was really sweet.

Thank you for doing Relay for Life with me, and even going the extra mile and wearing a dress to raise money for our team… That meant so incredibly much and you handled it so well. And when we went to the house that night and we just cuddled all night, and neither of us wanted to get up out of that bed in the morning… I really thought there would’ve been more days in the future we’d wake up together like that.

I miss kissing you, and putting my hand on the back of your head to pull you closer. I loved your new haircut too, even though I was a complete bitch about it at first. I’m sorry… You really do look great no matter what.

Thank you for those nights at Inner Circle after our concerts. We played pool, and you single-handedly destroyed the opponents; mostly since I could barely hold the pool stick thing, and you’re just that good.

Thank you for that night at Stambaugh, when I was upset, and you flicked that cork grease at me to cheer me up… and then held my hand… and well, the rest was history.

I guess this post is long (the longest on my blog yet) and maybe unnecessary for the reader, but I needed this. I’m an upset, crying mess, and have been crying almost non-stop since 12:55 (the late one) on what just turned Monday the 11th. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, and I feel like my heart was kinda ripped out. Oh well, maybe it was for the best. All good things come to an end, right?

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape…

‘Cause I’m not fine at all.

-E.

 

 

 

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