I have a friend, she’s not the happiest.
I try, and I try to cheer her up. To show her life. To show her happiness. Not much works. But then I remember my times, times like September 18, 2012. Times like when I wrote this poem.
Can you drown yourself in a desert?
Yes. You could.
You could drown of depression.
With a fake smile on your face,
While in reality your heart wants to die.
Crying for help on the inside,
Helping everyone else on the outside.
Trying to stay happy,
While being eaten away deep inside your soul.
That fake smile,
That fake laugh,
Covering up that all-too-real truth.
Nobody notices you,
Nobody can tell.
You’re scared to speak out,
Afraid to be truly be heard.
You’ve been hurt too much,
So you’ve learned to stay low.
To keep away from society,
To fake that smile,
Unlike speaking your mind.
So, I try to remember the times I wasn’t… me… when I talk to her. I realize I was once like her. Sad, afraid, unconfident (well.. I still am— a little), and just… depressed.
I try to help her.. but it never seems to work. Maybe she’ll realize.. I hope.
Last year, I did a writing prompt where you flip to random pages of a book I was reading. This book was The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger. I wasn’t really a fan of the book, but it made me think about… life.
The words I ended with for the prompt were:
With no further ado, the poem I wrote-
I’m in a room.
I’m in a lousy mood,
My voice is shaky.
I have nothing left,
Except for what I’ve been carrying on my back.
I keep apologizing to myself, to my demons.
I’d never knew I’d be a killer.
A killer of hopes, dreams, love.
Never thought I’d be capable of being one who kills.
I’m going to hell.
I should’ve never left her.
I honestly forgot I wrote this. It must have been during a darker time of last year. Probably spring, I don’t much like spring.
Going back, reading this poem, feels odd. I can still feel the feeling I put in to the words. I can still feel the teacher questioning my sanity.
But then again, who actually is normal?
This was, once again, written in February 2015.
What draws the line between art and vandalism?
Where does art end, and vandalism begin?
Are the two even related?
Vandalism, as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “action involving deliberate destruction of or damage to public or private property”.
Art, as defined by the same source, is “the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power”.
Graffiti doesn’t do destruction or damage to personal or public property. It doesn’t do permanent destruction. It can be removed, if you so wish. It is, as the definition suggests, it’s an expression.
Nature is considered “art” quite often, but what is your building to nature? Is your building vandalizing the art of nature? Art shows expression in the concrete jungle we live in today.
I wrote this poem in 2014, a time I felt invisible. A time I felt nothing would get better. But, it did. I no longer feel invisible all the time, and I found my happiness in the world. Nevertheless, enjoy the poem.
I am an invisible person.
I try to speak up, but no one hears me.
I try to stand out, but all I do is stand in a corner.
I stand away from the crowd.
Some people judge me silently, others judge me aloud.
I want to cry, but I can’t.
I’m past crying.
I’m in tears as I stand alone, walk alone, sit alone.
I’m falling apart, slowly crumbling away.
Nobody seems to notice.
Nobody seems to care.
I dream one day to be like her, with all her friends.
But today, I am not.
Tomorrow, I will not be.
I am an invisible person, and no one wants to see me.
No one wants to see the real me.
This was written by me in the February of 2015.
I opened my eyes, and stared around me in disbelief. The old city was completely unrecognizable. There was debris everywhere. Dust covered tents, buildings, shelters. The dreary smile of a sun trying to shine through the clouds of smoke. It wasn’t the same. I looked to my left and saw one of my brothers fallen at my side. I looked to my right, and saw another brother severely injured, holding his leg in pain. I looked down at myself. I realized I’d been hit, there was blood coming from my thigh. Why didn’t I feel it? Was I that numb? Would I feel ever again? I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t cry. I had to be strong. I moved to my brother beside me, the one holding his leg. He was my wingman, my best friend. I reached for my bag, only to find that it had ripped. Everything was gone. I took my shirt, and tied it tightly around his calf. He winced in pain, and smiled. A genuine smile of thanks. He took his knife and cut the fabric of my pants, and made a tourniquet out of it. I lost all feeling in my leg. I shed a single tear, wiped away by my brother. “These things we do” he whispered in my ear. “That others may live” I whispered back. We helped each other up, leaning our weight on one another. “Let’s go help some people” I chuckled dryly, still limping. I wouldn’t give up. We wouldn’t give up.
In my first post on this blog I mentioned how amazing my boyfriend is.
Now, I’m gonna brag a bit.
10 Reasons I love TJ:
- He dresses really well.
- He knows how to make me smile.
- His hair is fantastic.
- He’s a really talented musician.
- He’s a great person, period.
- He’s really cute and romantic and sweet.
- He does shit like my Relay for Life fundraisers with me.
- His family and friends are great.
- He talks about me to his friends… as embarrassing as that actually is.
- And finally, related to this post, he’s a great actor.
I’m not going to say much, but you can watch. This is a short scene he and a friend of his recently starred in, directed and produced all by his friends as well. It’s called “Superstitious”.
I’m just gonna throw the credits down here, too—
Written and Directed by – Ryan J. Fox
Produced by – Cameron Missos and Ryan J. Fox
Starring – T.J. Graham and Malcom Gordon
Cinematography/Editing – Gary Minnie
Boom Operator – Seth Cook
Make-Up – Megan Fox
“Superstition” Owned and made by – Stevie Wonder (I do not own this song, as I said, Stevie Wonder does)
Special Thanks to Stevie Wonder
So, yeah. He’s been a little down recently because of some shit that happened, but I just want him to know how amazing he is and how much I love him.
Thanks. Enjoy the video!
So, we left the school at 6:00 in the morning on Saturday. We slept on the bus until…
Simba looks out the window at our first rest stop, in the middle of nowhere, Indiana.
Simba posed for a quick picture wih our warm up for the clinic with the professor from North Western University.
We stopped at KFC on the way there!
Simba is enjoying a tour from our Gangster tour guide, “Johnny Three Knives”. (Thanks to Untouchable Tours)
We ate dinner at the Navy Pier!
Simba stayed in my purse while I went up in the Willis Tower, since I didn’t really want to explain a stuffed lion to the security people.
Simba laughed at me because I got hair dye on the hotel pillow… I ended up leaving a large tip and an apology note.. heh.
Simba’s favorite part of the trip was Millennium Park, and the giant Bean.
All in all, I’d say Simba had a pretty great trip. I did, too.
So, hi. I’m E.
I got the inspiration for this blog from a trip I recently took with my High School Band, to the city of Chicago, Illinois. My amazing boyfriend got me a stuffed baby Simba from Disney World back in December, and I decided to take Simba to Chicago. There, I took pictures of him traveling alongside me. Those will be in my next post.
But, while doing this, I realized something. Lions are typically considered to be one of the strongest animals. Or perhaps, most fierce. So, I like to think of myself like a lion. Strong. Fierce. An over-comer. Yet, gentle. Because, everyone sees some shit in life. But, it gets better. As stereotypical as that may sound. Really… Everyone can find their lion. My inspiration just happened to… actually be a lion.
These are my journeys, my thoughts, Simba’s travels, my poetry- well, I really just hope for this to be an inspiration to others. For others to find their lion. Or owl, gazelle, octopus, eagle, stork, anything. For others to keep fighting, to find life’s beauty, to be strong.
Because smile, you’re amazing.